I cant sleep. This happens sometimes, most of the time, when I get designers block. It makes me question if I even want to, even can, design. Today I had an uninspiring tutorial, in which my tutors were rude, unengaged and obnoxious. Now I don’t know what to do about it.
I also met up with A1 for an after work drink. He told me about his new housemates and how amazing they are. I can’t help but feel a little replaced. This weekend I achieved nothing. I couldn’t work, the thoughts didn’t come, and I couldn’t socialise - no one was around. It was, frankly, one of the most depressing weekends I have ever had in a long time. This weekend will probably be the same.
I have been, somewhat, invited to A1’s house warming, although I am uncertain as if I will go. Part of this I guess is that I feel replaced, or threatened by these new friends of his, who seemingly now share everything that was once secret between A1 and I, and partly because I feel like I don’t know who he actually when he is with these new people.
A few weekends ago, on my birthday celebration, these housemates were invited along with A1. I received a message which read “be straight yeah”. This annoyed me and frankly ruined my evening, which resulted, so I am told (I don’t remember... thanks vodka) in a lot of friction between myself and guests. I am not scared to be myself, and I find it hard to accept people that are.
That said I have no architectural ambition left. I do however have four months of architecture school remaining, but I have officially ran out of steam. I have no inspiration for my project, and part of the reason todays tutorial was so dyer is because, I think, my tutors picked up on this. I have never “wanted” to become and architect. I have always said I am a designer, an artist. And always thought these were one of the same. But I’ve realised I’m not that interested in anything anymore.