I'm watching muted re-runs of a British chat shows on DAVE or More4 or some channel like that. The images the only light cast over the room, the smell of summer rain lifting from the pavements outside. The breeze, blown through the sash window, damp.

And from the Bose dock on the sideboard CocoRosie's Lemonade is playing, and it's by far the best track on the otherwise disappointing album. And I'm trying to pin point just exactly what it is that people find so amazing about it, and all I hear is a cheap Bjork imitation. Saved only by saxophone, and a slightly twenty's tinge.

And I'm thinking about all the things that I haven't achieved today, and how empty my apartment looks, half furnished, and the orange balloon adrift in the silent three am street, silent except for the shards of piano from my window. And the apartment I used to stay at with the lads, and the people we used to see, and the places we used to go, and the clubs we'd frequent, and the crazy things we do. And how we'd probably be sitting in a beer garden right now, drinking, laughing, and how I'd probably say something like 'I'm going to make a call' and we'd all know that I'd really be going to vomit somewhere. Or how we'd probably be drinking Snake Bite, and talking about better music than CocoRosie, planning a evening drive, and how nothing would matter except the night ahead, and who'd pull more girls, or who'd get more numbers, and the promise of muscle guys and podium dancers, and nothing would matter except now. And how we could be sitting in a beer garden right now, if I weren't sitting here. And I guess I'll see you on Friday old friend.

Coffee the usual morning beverage, often fails to take the edge of the monotony of daily life. Addiction to any substance, however, seems to blur the edges and is highly recommended. Addiction to alcohol is by far the most favourable. With several advantages over other addictions. Notably it's easy concealment. Is that Vodka O2 or Perrier in that bottle? This insures day drinking can take place at the office, in the board room, in the design studio, in the car, at a party or public event and even whilst making idle small talk with colleagues.

Whilst alcoholism may make it slightly harder for those holding down a 9 to 5 you should remind yourself that it is a good thing, its the only constant in your otherwise passing life. And let it be known that those of us with meaningless design/part time jobs salute you.

It's fairly well known that my personal collections and tastes, are vast and varied. House pours are usually take the shape of lower qualities,why spoil yourself? Everyone knows that Elite Premium in your display case looks better than it tastes. Never open it.

Most days I stick to a regimented Alcohol routine as part/entirety of a healthy balanced/unbalanced, liquid diet and well, here's how I do it.

0800am - Breakfast:

Beverage: Bailey's Irish Cream (Liqueur). Goes excellently with Coco-pops. Don't measure it, who even does that? Go all European and pour until the cereal floats.

Recommended for sipping at: The breakfast table.

1100am - Elevenis

Beverage: Absolut Ruby Red (Flavoured Vodka). Smells like Grapefruit. Taste like Grapefruit. This one counts towards your five-a-day. Like the Titanic tastes great on the rocks, or mixed with cranberry and passion fruit juice.

Recommended for sipping at: Desk/Office kitchenette

1400am - Late lunch

You'll probably be too full to eat at this point, but in case you aren't I'd go for something that will keep you alive until your next hit.

Beverage: Guinness (Ale). Practically a meal in a glass. You might want to throw it up, or only have a half, so not to get to fat, after all it is a ale. Ale = Added Fat

1600 - Afternoon snack

Usually a hand full of nuts, seeds etc, will be enough to keep you going until after a grooling office shift. And for this reason I choose...

Beverage: Frangelico (Hazel Nut Liqueur). You'll need about ten 25ml shots to make up one of your recommended portion size.

Recommended for sipping at: Sly at the desk, or in the toilets, you can't have more than one break a day!

2000 (Although can start as soon as work finishes) - Dinner

You've had a hard day, drink what you want.

Beverage: Anything as long as you mix Beers Spirits and Wines. Don't forget, you've eaten a lot to day and need to puke it up so not to store it as fat.

1200 - Night Cap/Night catalyst

Going out? Staying in? It's all the same these days. Get completely sloshed.

Beverage: Balkan (Neutral Vodka). The perfect equivalent to Rohypnol. If you're shaving an early one, wash your Benzodiazepines down with this. If you're going out, well you wont need/want to remember what happens anyway.

Recommended for sipping at: The medicine cabinet/the kitchen floor.

I've been thinking recently, if you class recently as the last three years, that I'm just not that popular any more. Or maybe I am, its quite subjective.

When I was younger, two or maybe three (judging by photographs) I was quite popular. But then, we were part of a baby boom. Every birthday my mother would bake a cake usually with a cartoon character on it or it would be the shape of a football, or other very manly straight thing. And people, some fat, some still in nappies, some people who I didn't even like, would come around and wish us happy birthday.And eat my cake and make a big deal out of me.

And during the summers, kids could come and play in our garden. Or my brother and I would go to the orchard, there were always people we knew there. We'd spend hours running across farmlands, shooting, fishing, playing cricket. As time went on, I can't say things changed much, nothing really does where my family are from. We discovered other towns and other people, but still remained popular. Perhaps because of our family status? After all we were in fathers jurisdiction.

At highschool there was a slump, perhaps for a year or two, but I was also tagged as the nice boy, the popular, yet not cocky boy. Which often resulted in my having the 'new kids' attached to me. Popular and successful, I guess is a win win situation. I remember my first fight, and how I sort out my brother, and how he turned around and told me to deal with it. Whilst I stood there, helpless, bleeding.

By the time I reached college, my brother and I has grown apart. He studied away from home and I did not. And for some reason, I remember filtering my way through the people at highschool stripping away all the fake things you're conditioned to do. Like stay in contact, pretend to care when someone has a child, meet people. Instead I kept a few close friends. There was one, Ethan. He got heavily involved in drugs, but I'd follow him to the ends of the earth. And I suppose at the time, he was a crush. And he'd tell me the horrible things people do for drugs, and the things he'd seen, and I'd give him money, and food, and we'd spend days trying to bring his work up to standard, or chatting about stuff that didn't matter. Eventually we grew apart. Our entire group did. We all went separate ways. I to Brighton, others to Bournemouth and Bristol. And we lost touch.

And when I moved here, in my mind I drew a picture. Friends coming and going, people always visiting, no need to create new relationships. And real life never turns out like that. And there must be about two of us left now. And even fewer who are in regular contact. And no one calls any more. Sometimes we look at each others facebook. It's all very distant.

By the way, I'm looking for one of these:

Pictured: Mini Chaise Lounge Telephone Chair

I now live alone and need furniture and dare I say it, this would look darling under my bookcase. Find me one in a close geographical location to Bristol, and for a prince no more that £50, and you'll win a signed...technical drawing or something equally as shit.

...although rumour has it someone has just bought me one.

I've realised I don't really know you at all. And I don't really know anyone at all. Seven years ago, everyone knew everyone, and social circles demanded popularity, and prestige, but now that doesn't exist, and doesn't matter. But at least I knew people then. Now I'm distant with most, and those that I am not, I'm not sure I truly know.

And this year I'm not taking a summer vaccination at my parents, and I wonder if this is an excuse to drift away from those that are left. And I don't want it to be, but it might be. And there are friends, I've known for years, that I speak to perhaps, once a year, and it not because we've drifted apart, it's because we're living separate lives, in separate cities. And there are friends I've never met, that I feel closer too than anyone else, and that just ridiculous.

But you, I'm never really sure I knew you to begin with, and I'm defiantly sure I don't know, and don't care to know you now.