I have always found it difficult to talk to people. Perhaps this is why I am an artist. Allow me to clarify, it is not the talking to people that I find difficult, the act of socialisation, thats simple. A prompted cause and response. It the convention of my thoughts that I find it difficult to give away. It is not so much that I find it difficult to give, rather, it would seem they appear to be difficult to take.
I'm aware I am crafting an awkward situation for you. Perhaps you can't keep up with the level of detail or the speed at which my mind works. Perhaps the content of my message is...contentious... to you, a truth you don't want to hear. I am aware.
I was always bought up to be myself. It can be a lonely road. There is no doubt in my mind that the words I say in any given conversation are truly authentic to my sense of self. To sensor ones words, to cushion a critique, to fake an interest in vapid conversation...is to sensor myself. In a meeting with my academic advisor we talked of the monotony of digital technology, in which my paradigm was highlighted. I have as it was put a 'resolved' sense of self, or identity. This of course is illusory.
There is a problem for me. I feel I can only make shallow connections unless I click with a person. Inside, I am told, I have a warm personality, but this does not always transpire. I am standing in a bar with a friend and several men who I've never met. A chunk of a man asks 'So what do you look for' presumably in a partner, to which I respond, intelligence and the conversation dies.
Friday, 26 June 2015
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
I cant sleep. This happens sometimes, most of the time, when I get designers block. It makes me question if I even want to, even can, design. Today I had an uninspiring tutorial, in which my tutors were rude, unengaged and obnoxious. Now I don’t know what to do about it.
I also met up with A1 for an after work drink. He told me about his new housemates and how amazing they are. I can’t help but feel a little replaced. This weekend I achieved nothing. I couldn’t work, the thoughts didn’t come, and I couldn’t socialise - no one was around. It was, frankly, one of the most depressing weekends I have ever had in a long time. This weekend will probably be the same.
I have been, somewhat, invited to A1’s house warming, although I am uncertain as if I will go. Part of this I guess is that I feel replaced, or threatened by these new friends of his, who seemingly now share everything that was once secret between A1 and I, and partly because I feel like I don’t know who he actually when he is with these new people.
A few weekends ago, on my birthday celebration, these housemates were invited along with A1. I received a message which read “be straight yeah”. This annoyed me and frankly ruined my evening, which resulted, so I am told (I don’t remember... thanks vodka) in a lot of friction between myself and guests. I am not scared to be myself, and I find it hard to accept people that are.
That said I have no architectural ambition left. I do however have four months of architecture school remaining, but I have officially ran out of steam. I have no inspiration for my project, and part of the reason todays tutorial was so dyer is because, I think, my tutors picked up on this. I have never “wanted” to become and architect. I have always said I am a designer, an artist. And always thought these were one of the same. But I’ve realised I’m not that interested in anything anymore.