Friday, 26 June 2015

I have always found it difficult to talk to people. Perhaps this is why I am an artist. Allow me to clarify, it is not the talking to people that I find difficult, the act of socialisation, thats simple. A prompted cause and response. It the convention of my thoughts that I find it difficult to give away. It is not so much that I find it difficult to give, rather, it would seem they appear to be difficult to take.

I'm aware I am crafting an awkward situation for you. Perhaps you can't keep up with the level of detail or the speed at which my mind works. Perhaps the content of my message is...contentious... to you, a truth you don't want to hear. I am aware.

I was always bought up to be myself. It can be a lonely road.  There is no doubt in my mind that the words I say in any given conversation are truly authentic to my sense of self. To sensor ones words, to cushion a critique, to fake an interest in vapid to sensor myself. In a meeting with my academic advisor we talked of the monotony of digital technology, in which my paradigm was highlighted. I have as it was put a 'resolved' sense of self, or identity. This of course is illusory.

There is a problem for me. I feel I can only make shallow connections unless I click with a person. Inside, I am told, I have a warm personality, but this does not always transpire. I am standing in a bar with a friend and several men who I've never met. A chunk of a man asks 'So what do you look for' presumably in a partner, to which I respond, intelligence and the conversation dies.