Tuesday, 28 October 2008

the devil and god are raging inside me

So I wake up today, content that, although I'm tired that today will be ok. That I'll refined my dharma and everything I used to believe, that tonight I'll go to the gym ,do some work, be normal. I stand in the shower wishing I can wash away the feeling of empty, loneliness, but its here to stay. The reason, is entirely my fault.

Because in my head I'm sure there are two people.Perhaps three. One is a crazy, egotist who enjoys nothing more than being a hedonist who likes to pretend that he is a high flying little-rich boy. Another is a realist. Who realises that there is no point pretending to be something that your not, and wishes for your sake that you can over come this. The other is a depressed, lonely, middle aged woman. Short, podgy with grey hair and a warm smile.Fake. Shes bitter, and vile. The words that come out of her mouth seem to juxtapose her welcoming appearance. She's lost everything she once had, and knows how cruel and misguiding the world is.

She aware that shes taking over, suffocating the other people in my head. But I'm quite welcoming, I like her.We all have a middle aged woman in us right?

My usual state, that of a mix between the three people in my head, is what creates a collage of my public self.

But for some reason today I'm more of a realist, and my mind is wandering. I start to think about all the stupid things I've done, all the people I've used, all the vile things that seem to fall out of my mouth without regard.

I reach for my phone to text CH; although I know I wont receive a reply. We haven't spoken recently and I just want to know hes ok. I truly care for him, more than I let on. But instead I'm greeted with the following:

1006 - Message received : " Why do you take everything so seriously? "

It's not CH.

This message angers me. I try to remember that as long as I'm capable of anger there are lessons to be learnt. But I ignore myself. I ignore the message and shove my phone back into my bag.

Do I really over-think everything?

...jesus christ that's a pretty face, the kind of face of someone I could save...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

vaguely philosophical

Content with the idea that today I will actually do some work, I've decided a little procrastination can't hurt. Lets have a little story shall we.

Think back to a year ago. In some aspects nothing has changed but really everything has changed. I was at my first university, too immature to be there, and struggling in the situation I found myself. I dropped out and returned home. For the next six months or so I tried to forget that that time ever existed.

Since then, I found myself and lost myself, the constant up and downs of life seem to tumble us all in circles until we let go. I've become trapped in a down. Taking on the persona of...I don't know...a depressed office worker in Nothing Hill. The fact that I'm currently hideously deformed certainly effects my mood but it shouldn't. But being down, and resisting being ugly for the first time in my life, wont change anything.

It used to be that I was a spiritual new age Boho; I read a lot of new age books, with my 'shit detector' as Annie would call it switched on. I used to believe I could create my own mood, and govern my own situations, although now this seems somewhat out of my grasp. That time has past, and this sounds really gay (considering I'm still only nineteen and this is starting to sound like my autobiography), I like to think I've taken a few things with me from that stage in my life.Who knows perhaps I'll get back there sometime.

Today I woke up (which is always good), several scabs have fallen off my body and currently lay crustily in my bedsheets. Pleasant. But some how today feels different to yesterday and the day before. In reality, it's only in my head that it is different.

As I understand it there are two solid emotional states. Times when you're feeling good, and times when you feel like absolute shit. Everything in between is circumstantial. I guess, what I'm trying to say in a flowery way is, you can either sit and mope around, or you can do something to take your mind of feeling shit until you have something to make you feel better. This thought came to be today, in the shower. Where most of my good thoughts seem to grow. It's a shame that I don't have my family bathroom at university.

Give it a day or two and I'll probably feel rotten again. But that's life, and I know that you can pull yourself back up.

...the taste of ink is getting old...

Sunday, 19 October 2008

day 3

Although you barely know me I feel apt to keep you up to date with my exciting antics. Did a drawing.Six hours.Excitement.May die by this time tomorrow.Bored.

...we sent out the s.o.s call.It was a quarter past four in the morning...

Saturday, 18 October 2008

the beginning

And so it starts. The apparent temporary deformation has taken over. So I stand in the shower, hoping I can wash this inconvenience away, check I'm not bleeding, stare in the mirror.Decide I've lost all ability to look at least semi-attractive and go back to bed.

My drawing board has yet to move from the floor, where I positioned it to tempt me into working. When your as attractive as Mary Shelly's Frankenstein's monster the idea of doing pretty much anything seems insignificant. Tracing paper, 0.1 rotatory pens and sharp blades are the the only things excited to see you.

With any luck my remaining 26 anti-inflammatory pills should keep me feeling normal until next week, even if I wont look it for at least a month.

Shallow as a puddle?

...I got sunshine on a cloudy day, when its cold outside I got the month of may...