Think back to a year ago. In some aspects nothing has changed but really everything has changed. I was at my first university, too immature to be there, and struggling in the situation I found myself. I dropped out and returned home. For the next six months or so I tried to forget that that time ever existed.
Since then, I found myself and lost myself, the constant up and downs of life seem to tumble us all in circles until we let go. I've become trapped in a down. Taking on the persona of...I don't know...a depressed office worker in Nothing Hill. The fact that I'm currently hideously deformed certainly effects my mood but it shouldn't. But being down, and resisting being ugly for the first time in my life, wont change anything.
It used to be that I was a spiritual new age Boho; I read a lot of new age books, with my 'shit detector' as Annie would call it switched on. I used to believe I could create my own mood, and govern my own situations, although now this seems somewhat out of my grasp. That time has past, and this sounds really gay (considering I'm still only nineteen and this is starting to sound like my autobiography), I like to think I've taken a few things with me from that stage in my life.Who knows perhaps I'll get back there sometime.
Today I woke up (which is always good), several scabs have fallen off my body and currently lay crustily in my bedsheets. Pleasant. But some how today feels different to yesterday and the day before. In reality, it's only in my head that it is different.
As I understand it there are two solid emotional states. Times when you're feeling good, and times when you feel like absolute shit. Everything in between is circumstantial. I guess, what I'm trying to say in a flowery way is, you can either sit and mope around, or you can do something to take your mind of feeling shit until you have something to make you feel better. This thought came to be today, in the shower. Where most of my good thoughts seem to grow. It's a shame that I don't have my family bathroom at university.
Give it a day or two and I'll probably feel rotten again. But that's life, and I know that you can pull yourself back up.
...the taste of ink is getting old...