Tuesday, 28 October 2008

the devil and god are raging inside me

So I wake up today, content that, although I'm tired that today will be ok. That I'll refined my dharma and everything I used to believe, that tonight I'll go to the gym ,do some work, be normal. I stand in the shower wishing I can wash away the feeling of empty, loneliness, but its here to stay. The reason, is entirely my fault.

Because in my head I'm sure there are two people.Perhaps three. One is a crazy, egotist who enjoys nothing more than being a hedonist who likes to pretend that he is a high flying little-rich boy. Another is a realist. Who realises that there is no point pretending to be something that your not, and wishes for your sake that you can over come this. The other is a depressed, lonely, middle aged woman. Short, podgy with grey hair and a warm smile.Fake. Shes bitter, and vile. The words that come out of her mouth seem to juxtapose her welcoming appearance. She's lost everything she once had, and knows how cruel and misguiding the world is.

She aware that shes taking over, suffocating the other people in my head. But I'm quite welcoming, I like her.We all have a middle aged woman in us right?

My usual state, that of a mix between the three people in my head, is what creates a collage of my public self.

But for some reason today I'm more of a realist, and my mind is wandering. I start to think about all the stupid things I've done, all the people I've used, all the vile things that seem to fall out of my mouth without regard.

I reach for my phone to text CH; although I know I wont receive a reply. We haven't spoken recently and I just want to know hes ok. I truly care for him, more than I let on. But instead I'm greeted with the following:

1006 - Message received : " Why do you take everything so seriously? "

It's not CH.

This message angers me. I try to remember that as long as I'm capable of anger there are lessons to be learnt. But I ignore myself. I ignore the message and shove my phone back into my bag.

Do I really over-think everything?

...jesus christ that's a pretty face, the kind of face of someone I could save...

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