As I'm preparing to retire I find myself contemplating my week. Despite the fact that it is only Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday and the week is far from over.
I find myself thinking about myself. I'm flicking through the images of events, in my head, and the words that have haphazardly fallen out of my mouth. Filing them in some kind of logical order.
When I reach a awkward one.Monday. At the debating table in the studios. Here I can't help but find myself being hugely egotistical. My views often conflict those of others, but for some reason, I've recently decided to vocalise them even more so.
So here I am. Waging academic war with those that oppose or annoy me. And in my head someone is drawing a small arrow to something a college lecture once told me.
"___ your view point is extremely elitist, yet your growing up in a post modern era."
and then the person drawing these lines is linking this with something else that was once said.
"If you take nothing else from this college, take that everyone else is stupid. You assume that everyone is on par with your intellect, but unfortunately you are going to have to spend your entire life watering down things so that others can understand."
And I'm thinking, aren't these things just slightly hypocritical of each other.
Either way I carry on and I'm pretty sure that, by the end of the day, the entire room is sick of my voice and my ego. Now I'm thinking about this. About me, and if I'm honest, I'd really like to drop my entire fabricated life, and just be me. But this is hard when people believe your lies. You can't easily turn around and say "I talk a lot of shit" without making a dick out of yourself.
So I'm wondering at what point did my personality become a blanket of incoherent lies?