In an attempt to drag myself down/to try and feel even a little bit like I used to before Friday, I play some love songs.
In the shower I try and feel remotely apathetic/depressed/lost, as the water cascades over my naked body; the warmth reminding me old of good love (not strangling unreciprocated love). Of course there is no reason for actually wanting to feel like this, other than knowing that I can feel like this if I want to.
I soon realise I feel nothing. I don't feel anything for anyone, I don't miss anyone, I don't want to please anyone, I don't want to see anyone, be with anyone, talk to anyone.Perhaps my faux independence has been substituted with independence.
I like this, but equally don't. It doesn't make for good reading. And so to make sure the next seven days are also equally uninteresting and depressing I intend to occupy myself with work. Hoping that I will buckle under the pressure of my impending deadline, and once again be able to feel something, anything at all.