It's no secret that two of my favourite things to do are 1) Demand to be woken with only the finest English teas and 2) read text messages from people I like. And honestly there probably should be some mention of vodka in there too. And whilst I'm doing these activities this morning I am interrupted by my brother, who is shouting about something insignificant, which just makes him seem more hopeless than he already is, and makes me look more perfect than I already am.
And some how I end up looking through the photographs on my mobile gallery, and here is a description of what they are composed of, and you may or may not ever see these, depending on my level of boredom when I eventually find my bluetooth device:
18/05/2009 (Photograph 20)
A mirror photograph taken in the changing room of a department store. The focus, a man, wearing rolled up white chinos with a brown vintage leather belt, and a lime and fuchsia (detail) Slim fit Ralph Lauren polo.
03/07/2009 (Photograph 40)
A photograph of a piece of graphic art, which on inspection is an invite to the Hampton Court Palace flower show. The typography is presented in such a way that it takes the form of a root vegetable. It should be noted, that typographical art is this years must do.
05/07/2009 (Photograph 42)
A shot of Gilchrist & Soames (London) Sea Kelp shampoo that the chambermaid has placed where Gilchist & Soames soap should be. The shot is taken in a London hotel, which shall remain nameless. A simple reminder to actually purchase soap.
18/07/2009 (Photograph 45)
A piece of graphic art displaying an advert for 'Handmade glass gifts' in a gallery, Bath. The piece makes use of typography as apposed to other graphic elements.
20/07/2009 (Photograph 50)
A man cradling a box of Perfekt muesli in Waitrose. The use of type is quite appealing.
27/07/2009 (Photograph 54)
'A Good pinch of oregano'. A photograph of a male hand holding a own-brand box of Waitrose Oregano, of attractive colour and layout.
28/10/2009 (Photograph 95)
An white envelope, in which one thousand and two hundred and fifty five pounds sits, counted and banded, in twenty and fifty pound notes. The inside of the envelope is blue splatter design and encompasses a blue logo.
03/11/2009 (Photograph 99)
The walls are clad with an Ash Grey tile. Approximately 250 by 100, with white grout. A treated pine door, with chrome fittings inhabits the right hand of the screen. Whilst on the left, light is reflected off of a small silver hand dryer, and small 'Half' sink, with chrome fittings. Location, Liverpool.
11/11/2009 (Photograph 101)
A small ginger/black/white Guinea pig sits behind a cage. A remember that today is September the 11th.
25/11/2009 (Photograph 104)
A 'man' wearing a red lumberjack shirt, with long sweaty hair, is french kissing an attractive blond girl in a night club, Bristol, whilst lights flash in the background. This photograph is later printed and pinned to a studio, for all to see.
27/11/2009 (Photograph 106)
An illustration of a ethnic stick man, holding and pouring a vile of acid over his head, with the letters T and N floating above.
01/12/2009 (Photograph 107)
Platform. C Words. Carbon, Climate, Capital, Culture. A sign from a small art gallery, Bristol. Underneath the title a blurb describes how the artist, an African woman, is sick of western Capitalists. Lets see how well her less economically developed country survives without capitalist intervention.
01/12/2009 (Photograph 108/109/110/111/112)
Various graphic art from the said gallery.
14/12/2009 (Photograph 115)
A sign that reads Dylexia Action. Outside a Dyslexia Action clinic.
17/12/2009 (Photograph 122)
Dylan poses in a High Visibility jacket, sporting a pink glove and scarf combo. Whilst cleaning the windscreen of a pastel blue 1.2 Clio.
18/12/2009 (Photograph 123)
A lady, wearing a purple White Stuff cardigan, ices a wonky Christmas tree cookie, in what appears to be a small kitchen. The icing is lime green in colour.
18/12/2009 (Photograph 125)
A man is listening to 'A Tiny Christmas > Driving Home For Christmas: Chris Rae' whilst decorating a wonky Christmas tree cookie with stars and silver pearls. He is wearing a red, nondescript checked shirt, over a white Henley. Both with tentatively rolled up selves.
18/12/2009 (Photograph 128)
The photograph depicts a display of alcoholic beverages, above an Geogian mantel piece. Two 35ml bottles of Chamboard liquor, two 750ml Luksusowa, one 250ml bottle of Jacob Creek Shiraz.
24/12/2009 (Photograph 130)
A front page headline reads 'CAT ALMOST DIES AFTER EATING CHRISTMAS TREE'.
And the photographs that are missing, quite possibly, never existed.