Monday, 1 June 2009

During a revision break today I took the time to fill in a job application to join a team of twenty members for some reason or another, and this is what it said:

Past experience in customer services:
When I was 16 I worked for Co-op (a supermarket), it was really great but I left, cos management told me to lie to shoppers and say that, and I quote, anything that wasn't on shelf 'Would be in stock on the Thursday delivery' I thought this a bit naughty, and couldn’t bear to lie to dear old ladies anymore so resigned leaving the store in utter chaos.

Shortly after this tragedy I worked as an NPLQ RLSS Lifeguard and Duty manager at a community based leisure complex in ____ _______ Although the main roles in this line of work are based on safety of bathers, some roles (often more on the management side) where public relations based. For example, Admin and reception jobs often ensure that I was 'front of house' for the company, and in direct correspondence with the customer.

Example of working under pressure:
Obviously as a national and regional super hero I am often under pressure to perform, but as, with many super hero based roles there is little evidence to support this.

However during a previous life, as a lifeguard and duty manager, much of the work experienced was under pressure. For example Once, there was this little boy in the swimming pool, and he was drowning and I was a lifeguard and I had to save him, and I did.

The management side of things was more about keeping the company together whilst no one knew it was falling apart. This at times had its moments. Like, for example, the story of the leaky acid pump, in which the plant room for the site had to immediately shut down under my authorisation. Which in turn, if not dealt with efficiently and quickly could have serious repercussions in terms of bather’s safety, and economically for the company.

Why should you be selected for the twenty person team:
Really the question here is why shouldn't I be in it? Now I can tell that as you are reading this you are obviously judging me, and that frankly is very naughty. But give me a minute, let’s talk this out.

Obviously, previous experience, should hopefully illustrate that I have the skills and stuff, but enough of all that waffle. Let’s talk solely about me.

I think I’m pretty amazing at most things, in fact I am. I’m both book smart and street smart, and really should probably be applying for bigger things, perhaps maybe to be the president of the world. But for now I’ll settle for working for _____ ______ cos I like that and stuff. Have I mentioned I designed the _____ ____ ______ advert? Cos I did, but seeing it around really annoys me now.

Also I’m already on your pay roll, so that’s less paperwork for the ___ ____ man and he’d like that.

Needless to say I got an interview, so I guess I am pretty amazing, but hey, we all knew that didn't we.

No comments: